It ends, tonight.

"The Futurisque Element"-2003
Current room soundtrack:Orbital's Halcyon On and On. Today has just been a whole 5 hours of fiberglass modification. The car is starting to look rather proper now; minus the paintwork and knock jobs. It's really a toned-down gti to be honest. Most of my car plans are sent to a rather temporary halt due to cash flow problems; which is good because I want to give my assignments one last shot. But then my car mod list has evolved from what i want to fixing what is broken; or is wrong with it. It now desperately needs a good cleaning, which is scheduled to happen after the paint job. Quite anxious to get it shiny again. However, not so anxious to go through this holiday season, which I predict will be somewhere close to hell. Firstly, I don't believe my academic achievements this semester show any sort of effort, and is gone down the drain. How that will work out I don't know, but if next semester really is cyberjaya, I'm looking forward to a proper life there. Secondly, I don't mind working at the office at all, though I wish that the car would get some shade there; as sponsored paint jobs don't come easy, and I'd like to keep the red, well...red. And thirdly, well as long as I get a second chance at the semester, I'll be happy. I want to really show those doubters what I can really do. However, I hope the settle-in period becomes non existant in order to achieve that. This holiday (once the hard bit is over) will be spent getting into shape, and sleeping and waking at regular schedules to accomodate 9am classes. It might work. I hope. No. It must work. I will make it work. Focus. Yes I know it's really a fast ford in RS trim but really; focus is what I need.

Who's gay?

"The Commitment Issue"-2003
I have just finished watching Scary Movie 3 and am listening to "Sun Is Shining"--remixed of course. Now, while I found the movie incredibly entertaining and funny; I just didn't laugh out loud. I feel I've been sedated by recent events, and nothing means anything anymore to me. The car has of recent days gotten in worse and worse shape. My academic situation is in...lack of a better word...jeapordy. My so called girl has been thrown out of my life. Playstation games remain unfinished. My anti smoking campaign yet to work. My weight loss plan on the brink of destruction. Purpose to life has reached an incredible low. And yet, as I feared this day would come in the past; when it's happening now, as I watch my life slowly pull apart, and all things important to me taken away, I just sit there and watch. I've been heralding a breakdown that will unravel everything, a catalyst of change. I've been welcoming it with open arms, so that things will change. My plan behind all plans. And even that is not working. Maybe I have no purpose. But then the cloud of uncertainty is suddenly clearing up. It's only in these times, I know what I want. And the only thing holding the last bits and pieces together is the tiny strings of commitment. The bits and pieces that tell me I need to commit. I need to put all aside and just commit. Rebuild, one by one, not all at once. Really, I can't wait.

How many days have been sacrificed for my pointlessness?

"The Style Issue"-2003
Last week has been fucking stupid. Stupidity I don't care to share here. Or anywhere. Ever. However, the last week of my life has changed me in ways I am only starting to realise as reality sets in. Reality. Right now my life is heading in the inevitable failure I had always predicted. What lies beyond that is something I cannot forsee, and I'm not as worried as I should be. However at this point of time I can safely say that I realise what I've been doing wrong; mostly a case of not what I did, or did wrong; but what I didn't do. And the surfacing of the truth that I play safe on everything makes life not very exciting. Sure, I believe in everything I say, the ability to take risks mine, but the choice made to such said risks rare and very far between. Just got off the phone with a friend I would not mention, and I just realised another part that has been missing in my life. style. Sure what everyone does is considered his/her style aka individualism, but that's not what I'm getting at. The question on when the last time I went and bought clothes or even bothered to shop for anything besides dvds,games and music cds is seriously worrying. I just noticed that my wardrobe is not at all stylish save for some dockers khakis which I never use and a DKNY shirt. Now I'm not complaining about my attire collection, but merely noticing how it lacks style. Yes, style is associated with budget, but if I had chosen well beforehand, I wouldn't be stuck with my current taste dillemma. Another problem I would like to address is my pushing aside of passion. Right now, the passion for anything is gone. All that remains is what I call a silly excuse for a goal. The flame, the fire, it's all gone. And I've left that issue unresolved. Untouched. Unbothered. I've been welcoming a change, but it never came. It's my fault, and it's also my responsibility. I know this is all sounding very negative and bleak; but I predict something has begun. And it's going to happen real soon. Good or bad; only time will tell.