The COMPLEX MIND part Three

Explaination of the humour 'Engine': Humour is integral in my life. In my mind however, it is a carefully planned engine. The first rule of humour is to never look lame, unless intended to. The second rule, is to always have a backup so that if anything goes wrong, it'll still be funny. By this, I mean that instead of a second joke that won't effectively cover the first failure, make the failure joke a lame one by acknowledging it, and then following by the fake look of that was how it intended to be, a lame joke; one that will save your humour 'status'.Now, this is just one of the methods in the vast engine (or so I call it..) ranging from the grading of people's (the audience) capacities and the suited humour. This grading takes a long process of well placed observations and I suppose is exactly why I feel it is harder for me to interact with new people rather than old friends. Now, you have to realize that the humour engine is only part of that observation system which also ranges from talking abilities to interactivity and complex matching of attributes pre-selected during observations. This is why I work very easily with people when I'm drunk, because all this is turned off, and I just go ahead and speak my mind; the internal mind. The external self is just shut down and it all becomes clear. Now, my problem here is to get to this 'self' without alcohol. Dillemma number three I suppose.

THE COMPLEX MIND part Two

I have yet to figure out my entire mind's workings. But firstly you have to accept that I am divided into the internal mind, much like the processor, the thought generator, the conscience and the keeper of all the theories and the problems and solutions to life (basically, the voice); and the external mind. The external mind is an extension of my conscience, a people person, the interactivity generator, the image of me the internal mind wants to portray as 'me'. Now, understand that this image is not 'me' but just a portrayal of what I want to be, at that selected moment. And the 'me' I have selected for everyday use, is a cheery nonsense speaking personality, but to which changes in moments of life, such as when I'm with different company. In order to keep it seem consistent as one single personality, I have decided to keep a few key traits the same throughout (for example;humour,to which it's 'engine' is more complex than one might know of). Now, living in a built character is something not easy to live with, especially when one does not know one's true self, to which after much thought and consideration I have found to be the internal mind, the real place where I think, the real things that I fancy, and the real goals in life. This is apparent to others in my external self; only when I'm in a serious, 'theoretical mode'. Logic is something I feel comes very easy to me, but it's my external mind that conflicts with the simple logic that my internal mind outputs that makes it so complex. It's basically fighting with yourself. It becomes more complex when you're so used to your external mind, and it tries to take over. But then the internal mind itself is trying to change the external to a new image. That PLUS having both sides of the mind knowing each other's intentions AND both trying to get their way. Balance I'm afraid is hard to find. This again, is another one of my dillemmas. Another part of myself that I have to contend with simultaneously with other dillemmas. This is only a fraction of the stress that is inflicted. More to come soon...

THE COMPLEX MIND part One

It's Wednesday night. The sublime mood set upon the beats of ATB's 'movin' melodies' are upon me. I have yet again found myself in a situation where I'm bothered and have trapped myself in my room again. My room. Nothing to complain about. This haven I have built around me; a multimedia zone of comfort, music and entertainment. A lot of people would kill for this. But yet I'm bothered. Something is pissing me off. Perhaps I'm a tad bit spoilt (my own doing) or perhaps I'm in that instability I always put myself in. My mind knows this. It knows the way out; but yet, it doesn't want to do so. I feel it's a concoction created by my ever thinking mind, a trap set by me, for me...something I don't think most people out there can understand or adhere to, but such is the consequence of the complacent self. I suppose it's that I have made myself this perfect single seating life that back then when I started building it, I thought it was the perfect plan: to be self-supportive, self sufficient in an enclosed area which had everything one would ever need. My perfect apartment I would never have to get out from. The fundamentals were carefully thought out and planned: a space ideal for gaming and the internet that had unlimited possibilities as well as an access to food and toilet: the perfect freedom in an enclosed space. My island. My desolate island. Back then at the start, it was wonderful, my life revolved around the fundamentals anyway: I had sonic the hedgehog, f1 and moto gp late nights , a phone for communicae, and Jennifer Aniston once a week on telly. Life was perfect. I was a perfectionist back then anyways, my everything was perfect, and I wanted anything out of place to be too. Everything was placed in a 90 degree angle, everything was dust free, and everything was just perfect. What went wrong? Life, or the revelation of life. I saw what life could be, I saw the world, and I found out that my island could never harbour that. It's when I started trying to make my island open was when it all fell apart. The perfection was gone. The 90 degree control was going 360. I had lost control over what was important because suddenly all that didn't mean a thing to me. So I started evolving. Day by day, I accepted this new world as a new experience. Everything new was a first for me and it was natural that I had become hooked on this new life. But the thing is I had become so used to my island I couldn't let it go. So I spent years getting myself used to my new life, and had become an extremist in everything, until I figured out there has to be balance instead of just heading in a direction. This is my dillemma. Balance. Balance exists in all sectors of my life. This dillemma is just a small part of my life. So try to imagine trying to comply with all the balances in my full life, and then tell me the complications that exist. Only then can you understand how complex my mind is. Only then, will you understand how lucky you are to have a simple mind, and not have this. I will explain further next time.